An open letter to people I don't like about why I don't like you

I don't like many people, and in fact I like animals better than I like most humans.

Here are some things that you do, people of the world, and it's why I don't like you one bit.

Have your two-year-old child record the answering machine message so that I have no idea if I've reached the right number, or if I've misdialed and got the main switchboard in Munchkinland.

Write Facebook status updates about Jersey Shore so that they show up on the news feed and I am subjected to your terrible taste, grammar, and spelling.

"im so addicted too that show, its a train wreak & i luv it. "teeshirt time" lmao."

"jersey shore all the way i havent missed a show since it started i love ya all"

"i love the jersy shore!!! that show make my night.. i love seeing vinny!!!"

I can't make that shit up. WHY DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?

Talk very loudly on your cell phone in the break room, using the word "like" every few seconds. Make me wonder how someone as vapid as you manages to breathe, and why I have the misfortune of being in the same space as you.

Stand on the escalator going down when there is not enough room for the twenty-or-so people piled up behind you to get by. How lazy do you have to be, anyways, to not move? You're going downstairs. That requires almost no energy.

Stop me on the street, try to talk to me about God and convert me to your religion. Assume that because I am an atheist I know nothing about the Bible. Then you try and convert me to your religion. That's not very polite. I am (to your face at least) respecting your ridiculous religious beliefs by not trying to convert you to atheism. Be nice and respect my stance and not bore with me with your jibber-jabber.

Expect that because I am an attractive girl in her 20s, travelling alone on a bus after dark, I must be single and want you to talk to me. I rarely want you, or anyone I don't know, to talk to me. I don't want to make small talk with you or listen to you talk about your band. I have a boyfriend and I'm not interested, hence the book and the iPod and the fact that I did not approach you. You're going to be chatty anyways, and ask for my phone number. I am going to have to tell you I have a boyfriend. Feeling like a bitch is going to be the only outcome out of many possible scenarios.

Particularly to dirty men of the world: feel me up on a crowded subway. Do it and I will kick you in the testicles.

Cancel Gilmore Girls. Cancel Firefly. Cancel Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Cancel Veronica Mars. Keep Scrubs on the verge of being cancelled for years before, finally, cancelling it. Cancel Party Down. Cancel Freaks and Geeks. Keep shows like Gossip Girl, According to Jim, Two and a Half Men and 9021fucking0 on the air. My only consolation is that I don't pay for television.

Talk about how flu shots don't work, because a month after your flu shot you got a cold. Well, it's not called a cold shot is it, genius?

Have some kind of religious opposition to flu shots. And blood transfusion. And life-saving surgery.

Automatically assume that because I think I may not want children, it's because I fear I will be a bad mother. That is most certainly not the reason. It has more to do with the fact that there are 650 000 000 more people on the planet than we can support in a sustainable fashion and the idea that we have to have babies and replace ourselves to "keep the human race going" is just outlandish. But you go ahead and reproduce. You'll make an excellent mother by virtue of the fact that you think babies are just so gosh darned cute and worth all the trouble. Then you will proceed to spend the next 18 years whining about how hard it is, as if no one ever indicated this to you before. Of course by then I won't be taking your calls.


Hmm. Well. That was actually quite cathartic. I was feeling kind of down earlier, partly because I'm in a low mood, but also because I listen to CBC Radio 1 nearly every minute that I'm home, and being constantly inundated with bad news from all areas of the world can be a bit of a downer.

But this has really made things better between us, world. If only for a short time.